I know the heck out of wisdom!

Dear Tiffany,

2012-01-10T10:54:00.000-08:00

***Updated on 1/23/12 with my latest response.***

I've received another canned response. Tiffany is being so cold... This isn't like her.

****************************
01/23/12 - I reach out. Compassion knows no bounds.

Is this the booze talking? The Tiffany I know doesn't act like this. The Tiffany I know is compassionate and always willing to listen to new ideas. The Tiffany I know isn't cold and indifferent. This is NOT the Tiffany that I know.

Look - maybe I started us off on the right foot. As the saying goes, "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle...so they're likely carrying weapons." Instead of starting off with a list of suggested products and celebrity endorsements, maybe I should be asking..."What does TIFFANY need?"

I'm here and listening.

****************************
01/20/12 - Tiff responds.

Dear Sir:

Thank you for your interest in submitting materials to Tiffany and Company ("Tiffany").

As do many companies, Tiffany maintains a policy and practice to avoid getting embroiled in legal disputes with people who make unsolicited disclosures of ideas, inventions and designs. As part of that policy and practice, unsolicited materials are immediately returned or deleted without review.

As required by that policy I have deleted the email you sent, including attachments. I have not made any print-outs or copies of your e-mail or attachments or forwarded it or any attachments to any

other person in the Company.

Please do not resubmit these materials or correspond with the undersigned further in this matter.

Sincerely,
Tiffany and Company

****************************
01/19/12 - Not a peep from Tiffany. But I still have ideas for that sweet filly.

It's been quite a few days now. I think I'm well within reason to assume you're ignoring me. It's like you don't want anything to do with me. I'm not quite sure what I've done to illicit this type of behavior. Oh my heina...why can't things be like they used to be?

You're right - I shouldn't mix our personal affairs in with business. We can save it for another time. I've reserved a 2:30 tee time at our favorite miniature golf park. Hopefully, you'll be there. I really want to talk to you about SPONSORSHIP OPPORTUNITIES!

YES! I'm so excited about these. I thought about surprising you with them, but I just can't wait. I could see that my suggestions on future products wasn't going over so well. But I want to help. I thought, "How can I be of service?". Then it nailed me. Celebrity Sponsorship.

I think there's probably a TON of people celebrities who would match up perfectly. Here's what I'm thinking:

Rebecca Black - young, on the rise, and a gem among gems.
Falcor, the flying dog from The Neverending Story - He may be a boy, but he's beautiful and majestic. Just like Tiffany and Co.
The entire cast of Jersey Shore - guidos love three things. Jersey Shore, fist pumping, and buying jewelry. Boom. New Jersey is now Tiffany and Co. territory.
Tiffany, 80's pop star - if you don't get this one, well shame on you.
Tyler Perry - for this one, I'm thinking a 15 second commercial. Tyler Perry holding a 24-carat gold watch. It opens with him saying "Hi. My name it world-famous actor, director, and producer Tyler Perry. Everything I touch turns to gold." Then he turns to the watch. "Except for this timepiece. It's ALREADY gold." Then you cut to black and there's a tagline that reads - "Tiffany and Co. One step ahead." AWESOME.
Aslan - the lion from The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe - lions are majestic. Talking lions, even more so.
Halle Berry - she'd never actually need to wear the jewelry. She would just be featured next to it saying "I'm beautiful actress Halle Berry. I look this good on my own. I don't need jewelry. But most of you do. Come on down to Tiffany's." Then you'd cut to a shot of the tagline, "Tiffany and Co. Fixing your looks since 1837.)
George Foreman - because that man can sell ANYTHING.
Wonder Woman - her sparkly outfit will work with any piece of jewelry AND she saves worlds. Imagine this little exchange on the red carpet:

"I've heard you had quite a day today, Wonder Woman!"
"Yeah - I saved Neptune."
"Wow - quite a story. And who are you wearing today?"
"Tiffany and Co."
"Such elegance - I don't know how you do it."
"Aww - that's so nice of you to say!"
"Are looking forward to the premiere?'
"Yes! I LOVE Chris Katan!"

Your move, Tiff.

Sol

********************************
01/17/12 - Still no response. But I have a few more suggested items and they say if at first you don't succeed....

My dearest Tiff,

I haven't heard back yet and I thought perhaps you'd forgotten about me. In the time since I last sent you a message, I've come up with some additional great ideas. I suppose it's possible that you may not want to manufacturer some of my previously suggested ideas, so I've come up with a few more that I think would be cost-effective to manufacture and also dazzle the eyeball.

Scepters. These are just walking sticks with crystal balls on top. A little Gorilla Glue and you're DONE.
Ice lions. Lions made of ice. This is just water + cold + time + ice sculpting person = Big Bucks.
Rubies made from diamonds. What does Tiffany and Co. have a ton of? Diamonds. What don't they have a ton of? Rubies. Make a ruby made from a bunch of diamonds and you'll have the glittery-ist bauble ever baubled.
Monocles made from bullet proof glass. Monocles cost half as much as glasses (because there's only one lens). This means they're cost effective. Especially when you sell them for 500 smackers. Bullet proof glass will give a person a rugged-manly look. Kindof like rappers that wear bullet proof vests.
Porcelain kaleidoscopes. But when you look into it...you see the entire Internet.
iPhones - because...duh.
Cigarette holders made from Mammoth tusk
A cummerbund that doubles as a life preserver. In case you're on a fancy yacht party in your tuxedo and someone pushes you overboard. That person, by the way, is an asshole.
Maybe that person isn't an asshole. We all have our personal struggles and we shouldn't judge.
Of course, he DID push you in the ocean and he had no idea your cummerbund doubled as a life-preserver. So maybe he is an asshole. Sigh - there's so much you have to think about with this job. Now, I think I understand why you haven't responded. There's so much that goes into this.
Penny loafers? NO. Try, QUARTER loafers.

Can't wait to hear what you think!

Best,

Sol

********************************
01/12/12 - Tiff hasn't responded yet, and I'm getting concerned. I e-mail her to make sure everything is ok.

Dear Tiffany -

You had said you would respond within 24 hours and it's been longer than that. Oh, there's no need to apologize - friends, true friends, don't need to apologize to each other. I've just been concerned about you. Are you doing ok? You're usually so prompt at responding.

Anyhoo - when you get yourself together, let me know what you think about my suggestions. Keep in mind that I'm not completely sold on these. I'm definitely open to collaboration. I mean, maybe we focus on just one theme here - like "Winter in Summer". We could make tube-top parkas made of gold leaf. Or snow-shoe sandals made from Viking wood. You see where I'm going.

Hope things are looking up. Let's rock 2012.

Love you my heina.

Sol

********************************

01/10/12 - My response

Dear Tiffany,

Why so formal? Ah, I understand your reticence in this matter. I mean, you probably have received wonderful and creative ideas from swarms of people throughout the years only to have them turn around and stab you right in the back. You probably thought you were going to die of a broken heart from such betrayal. But let me point out that you DIDN'T. You're still alive and kicking - and I think it says a little something about YOU and the perseverance of the today's woman that you can weather such betrayal with grace and aplomb.

Let me assure you that I have no designs on making money from any of my ideas. All I want is for the items to be made so that I can purchase them and give you money. I would think that you would want to take my money. It's tough times all around, and I'm sure you've been affected. Really, it's bad form for a business not to take a customer's money. Use your head, Tiffany. This country needs it's citizens to start spending money so that we can create jobs and get out of this recession. We ALL need to do our part. Unless you're a communist, Tiffany. In which case, THESE COLORS WILL NOT RUN. (Imagine that last part being sung by a crying bald eagle.) Truthfully, I don't believe you're a communist. The hands that can craft a diamond pendant made from spun sugar are also the hands of a freedom loving patriot.

Let me make this official - I hereby and forever declare that the suggestions I made in my previous email are now the sole property of Tiffany and Co. Does that make you feel better? I'm pretty sure this is all that you needed before you begin work. Why didn't you just ask?

Anyway, I hope this resolves the matter and I look forward to seeing mink sweatbands in your fine display cases soon. I'm sure you have advisers that may try and dissuade you from this. Try to think for yourself, Tiff. You don't need to always listen to "and Company". It's YOUR company. Time to step up.

Yours,

Sol

********************************
01/10/12 - Their response

Dear Madam/Sir:

Thank you for your interest in submitting materials to Tiffany and
Company ("Tiffany").

As do many companies, Tiffany maintains a policy and practice to avoid
getting embroiled in legal disputes with people who make unsolicited
disclosures of ideas, inventions and designs. As part of that policy and
practice, unsolicited materials are immediately returned or deleted
without review.

As required by that policy I have deleted the e-mail you sent, including
attachments. I have not made any print-outs or copies of your e-mail or
attachments or forwarded it or any attachments to any
other person in the Company.

Please do not resubmit these materials or correspond with the
undersigned further in this matter.

Sincerely,
Tiffany and Company

If you wish to review our privacy policy, please click here:
http://www.tiffany.com/service/policy_vis.aspx

********************************
01/09/12 - My Original Message

Um...I know you probably get requests all the time for
beautiful and elegant items that your customers want to buy. I'd like
to add to the that list. If you can find a way to bring it to the sales
counter, you have a buyer in me.

Here's what I would love to see in a Tiffany & Co. display case:

- Frosted crystal decanters filled with pixie dust
- Toothpicks made from the wood of an ancient Spanish galleon
- A mirror that, when you look into it, you appear 20 years younger
- Gold Doubloons
- Water bottles filled with Pegasus tears
- Sterling silver cocktail shakers filled with butterfly kisses
- Mink sweatbands
- Diamond-studded hamster wheels
- A spyglass fashioned from a hollowed out unicorn horn
- A ruby shaped like a Bavarian pretzel
- Uggs made from Bigfoot fur.
- Capes made from saber-tooth tiger
- And donut holes. Because when people shop extravagantly, they get
snack-y.

YOU'RE WELCOME, Tiffany and Co.

http://iknowtheheckoutofwisdom.blogspot.com/2011/12/things-i-think-shoul
d-be-sold-at.html

Sol

Things I think Should be Sold at Tiffany & Co.

2011-12-28T14:55:00.000-08:00

I went into Tiffany & Co. yesterday and discovered that they only seem to sell expensive and beautiful jewelry. But they don't sell the decadent items that you really need. If you're looking for a frosted crystal decanter filled with pixie dust, GOOD LUCK. Better try Zales because Tiffany & Co. doesn't carry it. Or maybe they have to special order it. Either way, it's totally inconvenient - especially if you have a last-minute decanter need.

Whatevs - Below is a suggested list of baubles I think they should use to fill their display cases.

Frosted crystal decanters filled with pixie dust
Toothpicks made from the wood of an ancient Spanish galleon
A mirror that, when you look into it, you appear 20 years younger
Gold Doubloons
Water bottles filled with Pegasus tears
Sterling silver cocktail shaker filled with butterfly kisses
Mink sweatbands
Diamond-studded hamster wheels
A spyglass fashioned from hollowed out unicorn horn
A ruby shaped like a Bavarian pretzel.
Uggs made from Bigfoot fur.
Capes made from saber-tooth tiger
And donut holes. Because when people shop extravagantly, they get snack-y.

YOU'RE WELCOME, Tiffany and Co.

Christmas and Reindeer and Raisin Bran and Legal Action

2011-12-04T13:15:00.000-08:00

December 4, 2011

Dear Kringle,

Below is my son Christmas wish list, as dictated by him. I was the one who typed it out, since he’s only three and is still learning his ABCs. I understand that, typically, the intended recipient writes these lists, but I have to imagine that this isn’t a hard and fast rule. I mean, he’s only THREE. Expecting him to write out an entire list by HIMSELF seems unreasonable, especially by someone who’s the embodiment of the Christmas spirit. If this is a mandatory requirement, you should expect a formal complaint from myself and Jacoby & Meyers. From what I hear, your “workers” call it “Santa’s Sweatshop.”

Maybe the author should take a closer look at his Naughty & Nice list.

Anyway - here’s the list.

[Start transcript]

Me: Do you want to write a Christmas list for Santa?

Miles: Yeah! I want a Hot Wheels –

Me: Whoa, whoa. Let’s maybe start off with WHY you should get some presents. Can you tell Santa why you deserve to get Christmas presents?

Miles: I good boy.

Me: …anything else?

Miles: I good drawing. (We were coloring at the time. This didn’t just come out of left field. He’s an ARTIST, Kringle.)

Me: Ok…anything else?

Miles: ‘Cause I good boy.

Me: Gotcha. Consistency – I think that’ll play well.

Miles: I don’t like white.

Me: I don’t think such blatant racism is going to get you on the Nice list.

Miles: No.

Me: You don’t agree?

Miles: I not like white.

Me: Well, you stick to your guns. Gotta respect a man for that, I suppose. Let’s move on. What do you want for Christmas?

Miles: Hot Wheels truck.

Me: Ok.

Miles: Cars. Race cars.

Me: Is that it?

Miles: Yes.

Me: Anything for the Boo (our golden retriever)?

Miles: Toy for Boo. New toys.

Me: You know, Santa is bringing you all these gifts. It might be nice to give him something back. Is there anything you want to give him?

Miles: Mmm…I not know.

Me: You can’t think of anything to give him?

Miles: That! (Points to his Hot Wheels race track).

Me: You…want to give him your used race track?

Miles: (Nods). I want to think about it.

Me: Wise decision. Look before you leap. Measure twice, cut once. I get it – you’re cautious. Now what about the reindeer?

Miles: ?

Me: Well don’t you want to give anything to the reindeer? I mean, really, they’re the ones doing all the grunt work. You should always respect the working man. Quadruped.

Miles: ?

Me: Do you want to give anything to the reindeer?

Miles: Cereal. Raisin Bran.

Me: Oh – nice choice.

Miles: I know.

Me: Anything else?

Miles: Hot dogs.

Me: Ummm…ok.

Miles; and napkins.

Me: That’s considerate. Anything else?

Miles: That’s enough. That’s enough presents.

[End transcript.]

Feed the Hippos...the Hungry Hungry Hippos

2011-11-03T11:00:00.000-07:00

Today, I'd like to take a moment and call attention to a cause that has become near and dear to my heart. Feeding the hippos that have been grossly mistreated by the Hasbro corporation. I'd like to share with you a few facts about these hippos. Then let your conscience be your guide.

FACT: They're hungry. Hungry, hungry, hippos.

FACT: Hippos normally consume a diet of grass and aquatic plants.

FACT: Since 1967, these poor hippos have been malnourished, sustaining only on MARBLES, in an overly aggressive attempt by their owners to cut down on the cost of buying delicious African grasses.

FACT: A diet high in marble content can lead to skin discoloration, thus turning their skin various colors of pink, green, orange, and yellow.

FACT: Hippos, normally nature's fiercest fat man, have been domesticated to the point where they allow children to slap them on their rear-ends. They can never be released into the wild again.

FACT: Seeing a starving hippo brings you 12 years of bad luck.

FACT: Seeing a well-fed hippo brings you riches. Scrooge McDuck riches.

FACT: Save a hippo. Save the world.

FACT: If not properly cared for, hippos will one day rise up against us.

FACT: Hippos are descended from ancient kings.

The choice is yours.

Selecting a Preschool

2011-08-24T14:08:00.000-07:00

Ever wonder what questions you need to ask when selecting a preschool? Wonder no more.

How many past or present U.S. Presidents have graduated from this preschool?
Is there a Skull & Bones society? Are there membership dues?
How many babies do you lose on an average day? Hint: You're looking for a ratio of about 1 in 10.
I'd like my child to go to Princeton. Do you have a warranty program?
Is there an archery range?
How many times a day are the fire hoses used to keep order?
Is there a potty training study-abroad program?
Does anyone now or has anyone ever worked as a Pied Piper?
Is anyone here ex-police or military (ala Kindergarten Cop and The Pacifier)?
Is there an alumni association?

Also if it's a faith-based school:

How many goats are sacrificed on a daily basis? Chickens?

You're welcome!

Successful Child Actors

2011-08-24T13:46:00.000-07:00

So I've started compiling a list of successful TV child actors that have gone on to have successful careers in the entertainment industry and haven't snorted Hollywood up through their nose (at least to the extent that it ruined their career). I've restricted the list to only TV child actors because it seems like there's more of them and TV fame seems like it's more fleeting. The criteria to make the list is:

Must have been a child actor on a popular U.S. TV show (not movies) during the height of it's popularity.
Must have been under 15 by the time they started on the popular TV show
Must have gone on to do work better than the work they left. Leaving a popular cheesy sitcom only to land a role in another popular cheesy sitcom does not qualify.

So far I've come up with:

Ron Howard

and Neil Patrick Harris

Your move, Jonathon Taylor Thomas.

Why I Hate the Rancho Cucamonga Post Office

2011-06-17T14:50:00.000-07:00

I have had problems receiving packages that were to be delivered by the Rancho Cucamonga Post Office. It ALWAYS involves the postal carrier marking a package as delivered, then giving me a key to an empty drop box. It's happened three or four times in the last two years. FYI - THAT'S A LOT. In this particular instance, I called the post office to find out if they possibly have the package on their shelves (which, btw, they NEVER do). I called the local office and the postal lady said she'd call me back the next day. She did not call. Given their struggles with addresses, phone numbers, and dates, I'm assuming they panic any time they see a number.

The following is a pretty accurate transcript of my SECOND call to the post office.

*********************************************

(Ring, Ring)

(Someone answers the phone, then immediately hangs up.)

(So, right out of the gate, this conversation is meeting my expectations).

(I call again.)

[LETTUCE HEAD] Hello - Rancho Cucamonga Post Office.

[ME] Hi - I called yesterday about a package that wasn't delivered.

[LETTUCE HEAD] Ok - I gotta put you on hold.

(At this point, their version of "putting you on hold", I think is simply placing the phone down on the desk. They have no hold music. At least give me a little KOST 103.5 to sway back and forth too...)

[LETTUCE HEAD] Ok - back.

[ME] Yes, we had a package that was supposed to be delivered. We checked for it -

[LETTUCE HEAD] Whoa! whoa! whoa! - I gotta put you on hold.

(Sorry...didn't mean to stump you with my half-sentence).

[LETTUCE HEAD] Ok - I'm back. Just a few more seconds and I'll be ready.

(Then you're really not back, are you? You're just a big tease.)

[LETTUCE HEAD] Ok - I'm ready.

(Great. I'm full of confidence now. So far things are going swimmingly.)

[ME, saying things rushed for fear she'll abruptly put me on hold again] Ok - Here's the situation. I had a package that was supposed to be delivered on the 11th. Tracking number says it was delivered. It wasn't delivered. I live in a condo complex. When I checked our mailbox, it had a key to a drop box. When I opened the drop box, it was empty.

[LETTUCE HEAD] Ok - what's your address.

(I promptly give her my address.)

[LETTUCE HEAD] Ok - are you sure that you opened the right drop box?

[ME] Yes - the key only open one specific drop box.

[LETTUCE HEAD] You checked the tag on the key?

[LETTUCE HEAD] Yes, and even if I didn't, the key only opens one drop box.

[LETTUCE HEAD] Ok, because there was a time a lady called and she had the same problem. I went out there and she simply didn't check all the rest of the drop boxes. She went out there and check all the rest of them and it was in a different box.

(Great story. When's the sequel coming out?)

[ME] Right - that can't happen here, because one key opens one-drop box. We have eight drop boxes. Each with it's own unique key. The only way that could happen is if he left me 5 or 6 keys for 5 or 6 different drop boxes. I got one key. One key. One drop box.

(Note to self: write up the Cliffs Notes on this).

[LETTUCE HEAD] Ok - let me get the tracking number.

[ME] Blah blah blah tracking number.

[LETTUCE HEAD] Ok it's showing as delivered.

[ME] Yeah, I know...

[LETTUCE HEAD] Let me check our shelves and see if it's here. I'm gonna put you on hold.

[LETTUCE HEAD] Hi - I'm back. I don't see the package. Here's what I can do - I'll check with the postal carrier to see if he has it or knows what happened to it. But because he deals with so many packages, he probably won't remember.

(Way to set the expectations low. Never work for a suicide hotline.)

[LETTUCE HEAD] Let me get your number and I'll call you back tomorrow.

[ME] (Great. I'm, again, full of confidence.)

[ME] Um ok...though that's what was supposed to have happened TODAY.

[LETTUCE HEAD] Do you remember who you talked to yesterday?

[ME] No.

(So it's like it never existed. Well-played Lettuce Head).

[LETTUCE HEAD] Ok - well, I'll call you back tomorrow. Do me a favor and double check that nobody else received the package. Also - do you know what size the package was?

[ME] Um - NO. I don't know what size it was because I never RECEIVED it. It had a book in it, so I imagine it was relatively small.

[LETTUCE HEAD] But you don't know what size it was?

[ME] No - it had a book in it. Like a novel. It's BOOK-SIZED.

(From here the conversation concluded. She gave me her name and promised to call me tomorrow. I'm currently waiting with baited breath.)

Alzheimers

2010-10-24T22:00:00.000-07:00

If you're going to have Alzheimers, you should try and get it as a child. Mostly because you don't have as many things to forget.

Arithmetic

2010-08-15T21:37:00.000-07:00

Get ready for a scientific breakthrough! I am VERY close to proving that 2 + 2 = 5. I'm just one number off...

Sexual Harassment? Sign me up!

2010-08-05T09:58:00.000-07:00

Despite it's negative connotation, sexual harassment is really only bad if the person getting "harassed" doesn't want the attention. Otherwise, it's a wonderful way to flirt. I mean, if sexual harassment was bad, there would be a law against it. But there isn't - because "sexual harassment" is just love. And why would America be against love? That's communism. And we're not communists here - we'll never be Jamaica.

Here are some ways to find out if someone loves you at the workplace. If none of these work, try, try again.

1. Walk by your cubemate and say "I want to make a baby with you."
2. Slap each meeting attendee on the rear and follow up with "I bet that would look good in a pair of Jordaches."
3. Fifty one-armed pushups.
4. Do a body shot, get a raise.
5. Call in sick. Then ask your secretary to bring you breakfast and to bring a friend.
6. Adverstise that you are not a one-night stand kind of person. You're a two-night stand kind of person. That's one more!
7. Keep saying, "I like the way you hold that pencil."
8. Ask to measure someone's tongue for both length and width.
9. Continuously quote lines from the movie "9 1/2 Weeks".
10. Ask your office supply person how much scotch tape is necessary to bind someone's hands and feet. But not their mouth.

20 Questions of Love

2010-02-06T13:32:00.000-08:00

Valentine's Day is coming up on us and so it makes sense to dwell on the thousands of lovelorn souls sitting at home. However...I am a healer. I'm here to help. So, in the spirit of helping spinsters everywhere, I've devised this quiz that women can use to help weed out those who are incompatible. (Guys - I didn't create a quiz for you. To be honest, I'd rather you not find anyone. Nothing personal - it just gives me better odds).

Love Compatibility Quiz

When food drops on the ground, what is your rule? 5 seconds? 10 seconds? 30 seconds? 1.5 minutes?
Will your religion allow me to take off from work early on Fridays?
Is your sense of style more Ed Hardy or Infliction?
Can you give me a pictoral history of the sewing machine?
How long could you hold your breath if you really tried?
If it was your goal to visit every metropolitan city in the U.S., where would Cincinatti fall on the list?
How many fist-pumps can you do in a row?
When do you finish growing your 5 o'clock shadow?
Do you stalk virtually (by Facebook, MySpace, and Twitter) or in person (by foot, bike, or car)?
Loch Ness Monster – Fact or Fiction?
Describe Doc Brown’s theory of time travel.
Can you wear a Halloween costume on the Fourth of July?
In how many miles can you run a marathon?
Please list the lyrics to the theme song for the classic 80's TV show, "Who's the Boss".
Are you a nighttime or daytime person? What if you were in Australia?
Please list any below-the-waist or above-the-neck maladies.
What would you do if you were in a submarine running silent but you had to fart really badly?
Do you know how to tie a left-handed bowtie? Right handed?
Is there anything better than the sound of bubble wrap being popped?
Halle Berry – Actress or Fraud?
Describe our first date using the words "cheshire", "grab bag", and "homeopathic".
What super power is best?

__ Super strength __ Healing Factor __Flight __Telekensis __ Telepathy __ Super Speed

__ Plasma Beams __ Undeniable Charm __ Rock Hard Abs __ Jedi Mind tricks

Workout Tip #14

2010-02-04T23:06:00.000-08:00

Workout Tip #14 - Measure the amount of weight you're squat-thrusting in metric. It marks you as very continental and the chickadees simply become undone for gents who they think are continental. In fact, that's what they do in Europe. Imagine this conversation.

"Hey."

"I'm working on my lats."

"Yeah? How much are you working with?"

"50 kilos. It's German."

(Swoon)

Something to think about. You're welcome!

Academy Award Licensing Exam?

2010-02-04T22:36:00.000-08:00

I may not be a great thespian like Rosie O'Donnell or Ellen Degeneres, but I think I know a good movie when I see one.

I think the Academy Award committee should change it's rules so that Oscar winners must be in at least one or two critcally acclaimed films for every 5 or 6 craptastic movies they do. This way we know that they still know what they're doing and that we aren't too concerned we're going to see an accident while watching the movie. A bit like renewing your Driver's License. They issue you your Oscar and after a few X-men sequels, you have to turn in something great - like "Jumping Jack Flash".

What Would I Be?

2009-09-19T21:20:00.000-07:00

I can't begin to tell you how often I've been asked the question, "What would you be if you weren't a professional doctor?"

The answer? An Indian Chieftain.

Why? Three Reason - 1) Unlimited access to arrowheads. 2) I'm a Keno prodigy. 3) My cheekbones are the perfect accent to a beautiful flowing headdress.

What would you be?

Child Rearing - Tips & Tricks

2009-09-08T21:32:00.000-07:00

So, recently I was talking to my friend about some of the difficulties in raising children. After much contemplation our conversation has been distilled into the following points.

You know parents that say, "If you're going to do drugs, do them with me so I know you're safe?" Same applies for gang life. If your child would like to join a gang, start your own and make your child earn his/her way in.
Do NOT give your child razor blades to play with. Razor blades are small and can be swallowed, which results in a trip to the emergency room or jail. Both cost major $$, so think about giving your child an old vintage barbershop razor blade or switchblade. Both are usually big and can't be swallowed.
Do not gate your pool. Gating your pool simply entices your children to scale the fence. Teaching them to scale a fence lays a foundation for a lifetime of illegal trespassing and burglary. Note: this particular skill may also come in handy if trying to flee prison.
Do NOT toss your favorite baby down a well. I know, I know - you're thinking that it's an easy way to fame and fortune in the form of book deals and made-for-tv movies. And you know what? That part is true. So if you simply MUST do this, use your least favorite child. And turn it into a game of hide and seek!
Refer to your child by multiple names. If you have to flee your current life and start over, it will be easier for your child to adopt answering to his/her new name.
Under absolutely no circumstances should you tatoo your baby's name on your body unless they do it first.
If your child gets homesick, try and shove them back inside a vagina.
If you're too tired to give your child a bath, place them in a sauna for a few minutes. This simple method of steam-cleaning your child will save you HOURS in bathing time and will give you a thoroughly refreshed child.
Let's say, for the sake of argument, that your child is a dumdum. Have another. Then another. And just keep having children until you have one that you think will be a tremendous success. You only need one good apple to make up for a barrel full of mistakes. Everyone knows about Albert Einstein the famous scientist. No one knows or cares about his 5 brothers and sisters who went on to open a series of failed vitamin supplement stores.
Surround your child with the withering idiots who litter your neighborhood. If you accomplish this successfully, your child will always look like a delight in comparison to the urchins he/she hangs out with. Suddenly, you'll hear your child referred to as the "smart one" or the "athletic one". These children may not have a future in this world, but they can still do something great. They can make your child can look good in comparison.

Identifying the Douchebag

2009-08-07T21:34:00.000-07:00

Douchebags are all around us. But a lot of times you don't know. Sure, a lot of times you can spot them by what they're wearing. But what if the Bag is not wearing its' form-fitting Ed Hardy t-shirt? What if the Bag is not wearing its' jeans with an inordinate amount of flair on the back pockets? What if the Bag isn't revving the engine of its' raised truck? Here are some tips on how to spot and gauge the level of doucheness radiating from a Bag.

Now, understand that this is not a comprehensive list. Also understand that we all have likely flirted with a few of the items below. One item does not a Douchebag make. It's when multiple items are combined that you start to see a fully formed Douchbag.

Douchebags are ALL male. Check for a penis. Note: Women can only "act" like a douchebag. It's sort of like when you see one on ESPN as a "sideline reporter". Close, but not the real thing.
Check to see if they're furiously texting on a Blackberry or other smartphone while at a club. A rate of 2 texts per minute = Bag.
They'll be with a girl waaaayyyyy too hot for them. Use your gut. If the picture of them together sparks a feeling of confusion, that's a key sign.
Accessories - indoor sunglasses, necklaces, multiple rings, bandanas, etc.
No body hair. Calves and forearms with the texture of a department store mannequin are a HUGE tipoff.
Active tweeting.
Using his Live Strong bracelet hand to smoke his cigarette.
Tan and/or shiny.
Way, WAY too excited about Vegas. It says something if you can't get it done within a 20 mile radius of your home.
Throwing "gang signs" when you clearly are not in a gang.

Again, these aren't the only signs of douchebaggery. As long as you pay attention, you're likely to come up with your own cheatsheat for identifying the Bag.

Foreign Customs: England

2009-06-07T13:16:00.000-07:00

Having trouble when travelling abroad? Here are some customs that will allow you to seamlessly blend into any strange and hostile foreign country. This week's country? England!

When meeting an unfamiliar Englishman, make sure to offer your condolences on the tragic death of Princess Di. This will make them feel as if you are part of their family and understand the importance of nobility.

Never get into an Oasis vs. Beatles discussion. There are simply no winners with this. Only losers.

During the entire month of May, offer up the phrase - "What's the Story Morning Glory?"

Never speak of Amy Winehouse's drug problems. This is a touchy subject. It would be like taling about "Jon and Kate Plus 8" at an Octomom family reunion.

On July 4th, make sure to send a Mother's Day card to the Queen of England.

Use the following compliment liberally - "He posesses the charisma of Sean Connery's 007, but the style of Pierce Brosnan's."

Remember - England's "Fergie" is much, much different than America's "Fergie". It will be awkward to ask Britain's royal redhead to sing "My Humps".

This should cover all encounters you have in England. But should you come across a situation I haven't covered, make sure you remember these four words.

Bend it like Beckham.

Let's Bring Back the Draft! Where can my baby sign up?

2009-05-16T08:35:00.000-07:00

We're facing a national crisis - our military forces are quickly depleting. In addition, we're constantly needing to adapt to new environments and technology. But fear not, I have a solution.

Let's bring back the draft! "What!?!", you say! Yes, let's bring back the draft - but not with geriatric 18-year olds. I say we start the draft at age 4. We shouldn't have anyone older than 8 in the draft. Some might say that this is too young - but I beg to differ. The children are our future. And in the future you're older than the present. Thus, our childer are older than we are.

Besides, having these patriotic young tots run the military provides amazing opportunities. For example, our enemies are already using children in their fight against us. You see pictures of it all the time. 6 year olds carrying AK-47s. It's well known that America's education system is well behind the rest of the world. If their supersmart children are doing it, it makes sense that we do it too.

And when are you most likely to be able to really take a hit and not have it faze you? When you're a child! Kids fall down all the time and bounce right back up. This is a tremendous advantage in battle, as they'll probably be falling into trenches a lot. Also, kids don't mind being messy or wet - also great advantages in the desert or jungle warfare.

Military technology is advancing like gangbusters. It's all basically one big videogame now. And who's best at video games? Yup that's right. I mean really, who would you rather be in charge of new technology - you're stuck-in-the-50s grandfather who can't play Pac-man without a roll of quarters or a someone who can play Halo 3 for 12 hours straight while texting with his other hand?

Kids are fast. Really fast. Way faster than any adult - that's why we have so many runaways. They simply can't be caught.

And having kids in the military also reduces the issue of discrimination. Left alone, most kids don't at all care about gender, race, or sexual orientation. They'd all rather just blow stuff up. Really, babies in uniform would be the ideal situation, but they can't lift a gun! Ahh...Mother Nature, how you thwart us... Imagine the peace that would follow if all babies could wield a Derringer. Sigh...we can imagine can't we? Regardless, this should actually level the playing field and promote equality amongst all.

So, do you want a safe nation for our children or not? If y0u love patriotism and babies, get out there, buy some khaki diapers, and replace that rattle with a howitzer!

Pixar's Up!

2009-05-14T23:24:00.000-07:00

Up is a wonderful movie and fun for the whole family. At it's core, is 78 year old widower and balloon vendor, Carl Fredricksen. After his wife's death, Carl is mired into a world changing around him. In an attempt to take control of his life again, Carl attaches thousands of balloons to his house and decides to fulfill a lost dream of travelling to Paradise Falls, in South America. Along the way he takes with him an unsuspecting young adventurer who echos back to the youth that Carl once was. The story is a majestic tale of innocence and a lesson about understanding that achieving dreams is not nearly as important as chasing them.

So go see Up! A wonderful tale about an old man who kidnaps a young boyscout and and takes him to Paradise!

In theaters May 29th.

Swine Gonorrhea - An Epidemic

2009-05-14T23:02:00.000-07:00

Swine Flu has gotten most of the attention because it's "sexy" and "media friendly". However, it's just as important to protect yourself against Swine Gonorrhea. Like Swine Flu, the ways to protect yourself are straightforward. Simply follow these basic rules before getting intimate with your oinker.

Get to know your pig. In this fast-paced, go-go-go world, nobody takes time to get to know one another anymore. Lay off the one night stands and establish a relationship with your pig. Not only will you likely gain a deeper relationship, but you'll stop the panic attacks that come with waking up next to some strange barnyard creature. You'll stop asking the question, "How did this happen? I don't even know this pig! I don't know where it's been!"

Try covering your mouth when you sneeze. It's good manners and no one really wants to see your snot ricotching out of your piehole.

When bedding your mate, make sure to use a condom. This is common knowledge - you don't want to trade the rest of your life for one beautiful drunken night. If no condom is available, just use your mouth.

Wash your hands with hot water for at least 30 seconds. Didn't your mother ever teach you anything?

Try not to stay to long in crowded areas (planes, trains, raves).

Abstinence - try your hardest to keep your hands off that sweet, sweet pork. If this can't be accomplished, then remember - no genital to genital if you have any open wounds.

And don't forget - Airborne! Hot stone massage! Hypnotism!

Cheers to good health!

Hobo's Aren't Rich...Or Are They?

2009-05-10T19:39:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I was thinking about the true meaning of wealth and being rich. Some people think that being rich means having a coat made of lion seals or having a home made of pure gold. I don't. I think that being truly rich has nothing to do with any of these things. I think riches only come from having friends. That's why rappers like Kanye West or Kim Kardashian are considered rich - they're always surrounded by tons of friends.

So take notice the next time you see a hobo by the train tracks. Maybe he's wearing fingerless gloves. Maybe he's cooking something on a stick. Maybe he's got a million dollars in the bank and drinks sparkling bear cider. But take another look - that thing he's cooking on a stick? Maybe he's really BBQ'ing. Maybe he's with tons of friends and laughing about the time they were all in the Hamptons. So is he poor because he's a hobo? Think again - he's rich.

Don't Miss Movies

2009-05-06T08:47:00.000-07:00

These are some documentaries you will love. Have a yearning for learning? These will satisfy your thirst.

Jitterbug - Start of a Dream
A History of Pith Helmets
Slumdog Zillionaire
Over the Top II - From the Bottom Up
Alpaca, Killa or Thrilla?
Maybe it's you, Maybe it's Maybelline
Duh, My IQ is 50
Octomom and Dr. Octopus: Based on a True Story
Puppet Overlord
On the Wings of Unicorns: The Birth of Velvet Paintings

Scare Me with Science

2009-05-05T08:26:00.001-07:00

Intelligence scares people. That's scientific fact. People often ask me - "Are you a scientist?" The answer is, no, I am not a scientist. But I'm flattered that you would think so.

While I know you'd like to hear more about my scientificism, we're here to discuss something else. Do you know how scared people woud be if an atomic bomb was dropped in their pool? Well atomic bombs are created with science and intelligence. I rest my case.

For example, many times I will be hanging out at a pilates or gymnastics class and will strike up a conversation - lady, child, anyone. I tell them that I like to experiment. And you should see the color drain from their faces. Shocked and scared. I try to alleviate the tension by telling them I'm not interested in their body, just their brain. But they seem to take no comfort in that. I've resorted to not talking about science anymore - society just isn't ready. I think this is what Gandhi was talking about when he said he had a dream.

Interesting fact: Sometimes intelligence has a different effect on people. I met a guy named Wallace. Super nice guy. He seemed really interested in science...We don't talk anymore.

Swine Flu's Greatest Enemy

2009-05-01T14:34:00.000-07:00

What’s a pig’s greatest enemy? Wolves. We learn this as little children. The Three Little Pigs isn’t just a wonderful children’s story – it’s also prophetic. Like Nostradamus or Chris Angel. You want to fight the swine flu? You fight it like a wolf.

First, clothe yourself in wolf skins. Here’s an example on how to do that.

Second, find other like-minded wolf people and become leader of the pack.

Everytime you hear an "oink", you let loose a howl.

Rabbits – chase them.

Wolves are noble. Protect your cubs.

Mark your territory. I think you know what I mean.

Attack girls wearing red hoods.

Act hurt, then when the flu comes in to grab you, turn around and grab it by the neck.

Wolves are furry – don’t shave. Anywhere.

When Pigs Rule the Earth

2009-05-01T12:22:00.000-07:00

After years of our oppression against pigs, they’ve finally done it. Pigs have engineered a virus so devastating that experts says that 90% of the human population will be dead by 2010. Ever since this news hit, people have been swarming me with question about how to fight off the swine flu. The media is telling you to wash your hands and cover your mouth when you cough. Hogwash. You think a dab of Ivory is going to stave off the greatest plague in the history of mankind? Nope. It’s over folks. Pigs are going to rule this planet and there’s only one thing left to do.

Make friends with our new oppressors.

After years of eating fatback bacon, the pigs have finally risen against us and won. Now we have to figure out how to get into their good graces. Here’s what I’m going to do. I suggest you do something similar.

Award more blue ribbons to pigs at county and state fairs
Eat more pulled pork. “More?!? “, you ask. Yes, more. Pigs will appreciate how much we like it. Just like the Chinese appreciate how much we love their food.
Make footballs out of chickens.
Don’t be a douche bag and just nod your head in passing – walk up and shake their hoof.
Try not to stare at their udders.
Don’t use phrases like “pig-headed”, “piggyback”, or “when pigs fly”. These are derogatory terms.
Host a dinner party and have some lovely pigs over.
Offer them conditioner for their coarse pig hair.
Do NOT attempt to ride them.
Commit Charlotte’s Web and Animal Farm to memory.

I’m sure there are more ways to respect pigs, but I don’t have time to list them all. I’m going out to rent the movie Babe.

Go Green with Illiteracy!

2009-05-01T09:50:00.000-07:00

In an effort to "Go Green" and save the environment, I've decided not to read any more books. Books are forms of entertainment propped up by the evil oil industry in an effort to destroy more trees. I won't fall for it and neither should you!

Go Green with Illiteracy!

Please consider the environment before you print this. It's just what Chevron wants you to do.

Is 9/11 combating Global Warming?

2009-04-30T21:52:00.000-07:00

As a professional doctor I spend a lot of my time reading newspapers. The other day I was making a paper airplane out of said newspaper when I realized that not enough people fly paper airplanes anymore. Because of my giant brain, it only took me a second to figure out why. 9/11. It's too soon. Paper airplanes inevitably crash and for many, it brings up so many memories of the terrible tragedies they read about in the morning paper on 9/12.

But fear not! Where's there's a crowd there's a silver lining. Because there are less paper airplanes being created, there is more paper. Paper = trees. Trees = oxygen. Oxygen = No Global Warming. What does this mean?

Rest easy America - something good came out of the evil - 9/11 is saving Mother Earth!

Is My Girlfriend a Pedophile?

2009-04-16T23:49:00.000-07:00

As a guru, I've often been asked this question...

"If your girlfriend (or wife) continually calls you a "big baby" and says you act like a child, but will still make out with you - does it make her a pedophile?"

My answer is this - of course it doesn't. For her to be a pedophile, she must sleep with you only after luring you from an internet chatroom. So rest easy!

Barack Obama and the new America

2009-01-20T20:43:00.000-08:00

Barack Obama is now president and seems to have the entire country in the palm of his basketball-palming hands. While his financial bailout plan should pass faster than an Ex-Lax burrito, us "common" folk won't get a penny for our bills. In lieu of $, I'd like to see Number 44 tackle these important issues.

1. The Elvis stamp - let's finally issue a stamp with the Fat Elvis. Young Elvis gets all the love, but Fat Elvis gave us the sequined jumpsuit.

2. Take away Halle Berry's Oscar. In the interest of equality. A great performance in Monster's Ball does not erase a lifetime of wooden performances in Catwoman, Swordfish, X-men 1-3, etc. Maybe he could put it on layaway? Everytime she gives a good performance, she can have the Oscar back for a week?

3. Stop TNT from "interviewing" their television "stars" during the middle of NBA games. I want to watch the game - not an 45-min retrospective on Eric McCormack.

4. Demand to understand why they rewrote Dawson's Creek to include vampires, then renamed it Twilight.

5. Stop the Wayan's Brothers' reign of terror.

6. Demand...dammit..DEMAND that Hugh Hefner reveal his secrets before he dies. His diary must read like a Calcutta sex-ed book bound in rich Corinthian leather.

7. Make tv network remove their logo from the corner of the screen. Or at least make the cable companies give us a refund because we can't seen any programming because all I can see is a stupid peacock. How am I supposed to rot my brain with "Real Housewives of Orange County" when all I can see is a gigantic Bravo logo?

8. Institute duels as a means to settle disputes among Congressmen. This accomplishes two things - reinvigorates the lost art of the duel and generates interest in almost all legislation.

Martin Luther King Jr., Barack Obama, and a celebration of Black History

2009-01-18T22:02:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is Martin Luther King Jr. Day and, with the upcoming inauguration of Barack Obama, it makes sense to celebrate all the contributions Black Americans have made to this country and the world. And, because I'm not African-American myself, I'm in the perfect position to do this. How do you figure, you ask? Objectivity, my friends.

Martin Luther King Jr. - Yes, of course, his work fighting for civil rights for all people is his legacy. However, few people know that before MLK became a preacher, he tried his hand as a standup comic. His "thing" was sound effect noises and, though he never met with much success, he inspired a young man named Michael Winslow. Millions now know Winslow as the young sound effect specialist from the Police Academy movies. Thus, MLK not only inspired a nation to fight for civil rights, but also helped to entertain countless generations with helicopter noises.

Apollo Creed - Fictional? Tell that to Rocky Balboa and you'll get a left hook to the brain (after a training montage scene). His death in Rocky IV made us mourn and pushed a nation ever-closer to the brink of a Cold War disaster.

Kevin Federline - It takes tremendous character to single-handedly bring us a bald Britney Spears and, just by looking at him, make us all feel a little bit better about ourselves.

Frederick Douglass - before he was an abolitionist and reformer, F.D. was a master competitive eater. To date, he still owns several landmark eating records including - PB&J sandwiches (56 in an hour) and Pumpkin Seeds (4 lbs in 30 min).

And the list goes on and on. So, as you celebrate MLK day, remember this - Yes We Can!

A Spirit of Thanksgiving

2008-11-26T23:04:00.000-08:00

While I'm not an historian, I am a history afficianado. Like most history experts, I happen to know everything about the past. You know how there are some people who can't remember what happened 5 minutes ago? Not me. I know exactly what I was doing 5 minutes ago. History - it's important to me.

Thanksgiving is a part of history, so it's obviously a part of my soul. It pains me that most people don't take it as seriously as they should. They've obviously forgotten their roots. I celebrate Thanksgiving by trying to pattern myselves just as those Pilgrim's did. However, it's easier to find a Pilgrim costume nowadays, then it is to find an Indian. However, with a little effort, you'll be well rewarded.

First, find a Pilgrim costume. These can usually be found at any costume store, but in a pinch, some black/white construction paper, patent leather shoes, and top hat will work.

Next, find some food. Ideally this should be turkey. But people also love pizza...so you decide. And cantaloupe.

Next find an Indian. Don't fall for the common mistake of looking for them on the open plain. I've tried that and only found myself starving and cold for 3 weeks in the wilderness. Most Indians can be found at casinos. Simply go to any dealer on the casino floor and offer them this food and ask them to help you grow some corn. They may grow angry with you - pay this no mind. It's their firey temperment and you should turn the other cheek.

It almost no time at all, they should be walking with you outside, at which point you should have shovels and hoes ready to go. They won't want to show you how to farm if you're not ready to go - have some respect for their time.

After all is said and done, bed your exotic stranger and give them syphillis and some blankets.

Thanksgiving - celebrate it!

Proposition 8 - Gay marriage ban and The Dark Knight

2008-11-05T13:47:00.000-08:00

This November, Californians will vote on Proposition 8 - the gay marriage ban. This proposition basically says that marriage is between a man and a woman, and that two super hot lesbians can't say "I do" or that Jake Gylennhal or Heath Ledger couldn't be together forever.

Now I know what you're thinking - Heath Ledger is dead. So they couldn't be together anyway. But hear me out. Is he really dead? I saw "The Dark Knight Returns" and guess who the Joker was? Heath Ledger! So...I guess he's not as dead as he made everyone believe. And yes, I know he died in the movie, but as anyone who reads comics knows, NO villain or hero stays dead forever.

In summation, a vote againse Prop 8 is a vote against Heath Ledger. And if he gets upset, he might not reprise his role as the Joker in the next Batman movie. And that would be tragic, because the first two movies were so good.

So don't procrastinate - get out there and vote!

New Parents and SID

2008-10-21T09:51:00.000-07:00

New parents should not name their child SID.

Outsourcing your children

2008-10-05T21:08:00.000-07:00

Parents thinking of adoption have many issues that they must ponder before adding to their family unit. Besides significant issues such as your financial situation, work schedule, and parole status, parents must also take into account any existing children. If they already have children, questions arise - how will they accept this new adoptee, will they love the new child, and will there be any competition between existing children and the adoptee, and will the children wonder which parent will love them more.

Well, insecure parents, let me help guide you. Put yourselves into my wizened hands. Forget about your other kids. They probably cost you an arm and leg in hospital bills when you gave birth. Mothers - remember your super hot body that you used to work like a Stratavarius? Well the BABY took that away. Plus, since your child has known nothing but your love, you're probably raising them to be weaklings. Whereas your new-improved child has probably thrived in a thatched hut fighting off street mongrels for some discarded chicken livers. This makes a tough, street-wise kid. The kind who would avenge your death, if you ever were killed.

Take my advice - go pick yourself up a Chinese kid. Or really any asian child will do. The best age to get them at is 5 or 6 years old. That way they are old enough to be potty trained. This cuts down on the cost of diapers. They also will be accostomed to a diet of nothing but noodles - Ramen is like 5 cents a pack. Do the math.

In addition to being cheaper, overseas workers are harder workers. Put your adoptees to work. Have them clean, fix your computer, do your taxes, or mold them into Major League Baseball pitchers. They will also likely be smarter, knowing algebra by the time they are out of the womb. Imagine your pride at the local science fair when your adopted child wins the blue ribbon for his dissertation on Divergence Theorem and your "biological" child is looking forlornly at his sad diorama of dead plants labeled "Photosythesis". I think we both know who would be the better investment come college-tuition-time.

This new child will likely spur some competition between your old child and your new child. So-called child experts say making your children compete for your love isn't good "parenting." You know what I say to that? Untested love isn't real love at all. Where would this country be without some competition? Our founding fathers were immigrants and they made this country great!

So go on - outsource your children! It's what's RIGHT with America!

Bailout

2008-10-02T08:37:00.000-07:00

Now I’ve heard a lot of people gabbing about some kind of $700 billion bailout and how Wall Street has gotten themselves into a situation and they should just get themselves out. I don’t understand this mentality one bit. Let’s put our thinking caps on for just one hot second and talk this through. Caps on? Good – let’s go.

First – it’s ONLY $700 billion dollars. What is that? Like $1 per person, including babies? That’s like chump change – who doesn’t have a dollar to lend? Besides, keeping that money won’t buy you happiness. Ask any street urchin or hobo. If you were to give them $700 billion dollars, they’d probably laugh at you, scream something about alien abductions, then scamper off.

Second – America needs it. These colors don’t run. Are you some sort of freakin commie?
Third – Let’s pretend that we’ve gone to Vegas with a friend. They take a fistful of money from us and lose it all at BlackJack. Then they go and take out your lifesavings and lose it all at craps. Now you don’t have enough money to buy brunch. What do you do in that situation? Duh – you give him $700 billion that you don’t have. Think about it – then he can try making back some of the money and you get to go to bed hungry, causing you to lose a couple pounds. You scratch his back, he scratches yours.

Outcome? Financial bailout – it’s what’s RIGHT with America.

Arch enemies

2008-10-02T08:36:00.000-07:00

How would you ever know dark, if not for the light? How would you know right, if someone was not doing wrong? For example, how do you know it is wrong to senselessly slap an unwed mother across her pirate mouth? You don’t – unless someone shows you that you’re supposed to kiss that pirate mouth tenderly.

If you are going to be a hero, you must have an arch enemy. All the greats do and I expect you to be great. Here are some tips on finding a perfect arch enemy.

Cause a horrible disfigurement to your friend’s face. Preferably someone quite vain. You could throw acid on them or lock them in a burning building. Even pizza grease can cause quite an acne breakout.
“Leak” some gossip about them to the tabloids. This has worked wonders for Nicole, Paris, Lindsay, Kim, etc. And now look at them – genuine heroines.

Now that I think about it…I think those are really the only ways to make an arch enemy. People don’t usually get mad at you for any other reason. Concentrate on these two areas and you’ll do fine. In fact, possibly combine the two – disfigure your friend’s face, then talk about how gross it is in the tabloids. Win-win.

Being a hero

2008-09-21T10:30:00.000-07:00

It is medical fact that people love heroes. As a doctor emeritus, I feel it is my duty to instruct those who might decide to become a hero professionally or as a hobby. In the spirit of full disclosure, I must tell you that I am not a hero. While I have saved hundreds, possibly thousands, of lives, I am not a hero. I am just a man with the ability to save millions of people. I can also save the lives of heroes. This makes me partly responsible for the lives the heroes save. So, am I hero? That’s for the billions of people I’ve saved to decide.
In my experience you can be a hero in a few ways:

Scientific accidents. Find a way to douse yourself in experimental sludge or gamma rays. It will be much more difficult to find gamma rays, unless you are on a spaceship. You may be able to absorb some by walking outside naked during a full moon. Check with local ordaninces to make sure this is legal – if not, wear some bicycle shorts.

As for the sludge – almost any kind will do. Preferably you should be young. Parents – if you are hoping your child will be a hero, this is your time to act. Dunk you child in radioactive waste or wait for a barrel to fall off a truck and splash onto your child. If you can add electricity or some type of strong/fast animal into the mix, this will help. You will likely gain superspeed, strength, of the ability of the animal. Suggestions for animals include falcons, grizzly bear, or velociraptor.
Family tragedy. This requires a firm commitment, as there is really no going back on this. Great heroes are always born from great family tragedy. Even Rocky and Bullwinkle shared their fair share of tears. Rocky lost his family to a senseless gang war between the Muppets and Fraggle Rock. Bullwinkle lost his mother to a prolonged bout with drug addiction. Family tragedies can take the form of mob hits, factory explosion that could have been prevented by corporate America, or having the black sheep in the family turn against you and thus ripping the family asunder.
Genetic mutation. That’s right – mutants. This usually requires that your parents had some sort of powers, shared a beautiful and sexy night, then made a super powered baby. I can’t begin to tell you how many mutants I’ve met that had no idea they were mutants. Usually you won’t find out until a high stress situations requires that your powers suddenly emerge. For instance, I pushed one lady out of a 5 story window and she suddenly sprouted wings and started to soar like a very angry angel. I suggest the following techniques: falling off buildings, standing in front of locomotives, or getting trapped in a fallen building. An alternative to this is to put a friend in these situations. This may also cause you powers to come out. But it must be a friend you care about – not just a school or work friend. This will likely just cause you to kill them, leading to a lawsuit and jail time – not very heroish.

Next – arch enemies.

How to get a Job (Part 3 of 3)

2008-09-06T10:34:00.000-07:00

Accessories are an important part of your wardrobe. These items speaks to your individual personality. Some people wear earrings. Many hip-hop moguls wear diamond encrusted medallions around their necks. Hear are some do's and dont's that apply to all types of jobs - from part-time flight attendants to foreign dignataries. In fact, Abraham Lincoln was said to have used these ideas and he was elected President the next day. The day after that he ended slavery. Ipso facto - these ideas helped to end slavery.

DO wear a bandana. This will show potential employers that you sweat. This, in turn, will indicate that you are a hard worker and give 110%.
DO use a cane. This will make you seem older with a ton of experience under your belt. Get used to hearing the phrase "Wise for his/her years."
Do carry a Swiss Army Knife at all times and use whenever possible. This will show that you are ready for anything thrown your way.
DO wear any and all Boy Scout merit badges. This is a great visual cue that you have a lot of skills, without being too showy. Also, great conversation starter. For example - "Are those merit badges?" or "Hey! Check out my merit badges. If you ever need to assemble a kite, my extension is 555."
DO carry a pen that you have to dip in ink to write with. The beauty of this is that people will automatically assume you are smart and regal. And when they ask you to write something down, you can say, "Oh...I just ran out of ink. Damn the luck!"
DO wear a visible bandage. This will let people know that you can take phycial punishment and also that you have a softer side. A single bandage can give your personality multiple dimensions, enhancing your charisma and garnering interest in your story. Wearing a themed bandage, like camoflauge or the Muppets, can enhance your personality even more.

While these are not all the options for accessorizing, it is MOST of them. The rest aren't really worth a damn. If you have the opportunity to use all of them at once, then congratulations! You've just got yourself a new job!

How to get a Job (Part 2 of 3)

2008-09-01T16:41:00.001-07:00

The way you present yourself to a hiring manager can make all the difference in landing a great new job. You want to tread a fine line between being confident and being casual. If you dress the part of a hobo, it is likely that HR will not appreciate your attire and your body odor. If you dress the part of a primadonna, it is likely they will not want to give you your own trailer. Here are some tips on how to dress, so you stand out, but don't call attention to yourself.

Wear an ascot. While I'm not sure what exactly as ascot is, I know rich people wear them and if you wear one they may mistake you for one of their own. Trips on private jets, polo ponies, and other riches may follow. Applicants for banker positions should pay close attention to this rule.
Eye piece or monocle. This will go a long way to making you look dignified. Glasses will also make you look like a braniac (think Sir Isaac Newton or Meeker the Muppet). I know what you're thinking, "Won't a monocle make it seem like I have a disability?". This would be a win-win, as they are just as likely to hire you to meet an equal opportunity cripple quota they have to fill.
Hair - You will need to modfiy your hairstyle to match the position you are applying for. For example, all upper level management have receding hairlines. If you do not have one, I suggest purchasing a $20 shaver from Target or Walmart and creating one for yourself. Ladies - please wear a lovely hat with a wide brim. The kind you would use to watch a horserace or when you go yachting. If you intend to work as a movie director, you should grow long hair, place in a ponytail, and wear this under a backward facing paseball cap with an adjustable tie back (not the caps with the adjustable plastic tabs)
Footwear - I suggest slippers. This serves two purposes. First, they are comfortable and if you are on your feet all day (like those in the restaurant industry, shipping, or ice skating) you will thank me. Second, it will help give you an air of authority. People will look at you and think - "Who does this crackpot think he is? Does he think he runs the place??" When you get those looks, immediately look at them with your nose in the air - like you do indeed own the place. The other option with this is that they may think you are an eccentric genius who can be bothered with regular footwear. The sandals would signify your eccentricity and the rest of your ensemble will detail your genius. Think of Plato or Mario Batali.

These are the fundemental issues you will have to address in regards to your attire. Next, we will move on to accessories to enhance your persona - both wardrobe and otherwise.

How to get a Job (Part 1 of 3)

2008-08-18T21:07:00.000-07:00

Getting a job can be an extremely stressful process. For some people it can take months to score an interview. Other's may get an interview, but blow it because they're too nervous. There are three keys to landing a job.

The first thing you'll have to do is get together your resume. A well written resume can make all the difference between the gutter and a glorious 9 to 5 job in a cubicle. Think of it as a pickup line when you're in a bar. There may be a ton of girls or guys who look just as good as you. To sell yourself, you'll really have to stand out from the pack.

Get a degree. There are a ton available online. I would suggest getting a PhD or two. While it may cost you about $25 dollars per degree, this is a worthwhile investment because you're likely to end up with a $100,000/year job. The math works like this: $100,000 - $25 = $99,975. And this is only for one year! Divided over the course of your career and the cost of the degree drops dramatically. If you don't understand the math, don't worry - get the degree and you WILL understand it.
Start a few business and list them on the resume. Always put down that you were the founder and that you sold the company later. Don't let them know that you sold it for pennies, though. Potential employers won't be impressed by that. Try to make the companies sound important. Add "tech" or "net" or "consulting group" to the name. For instance, a good name for a business that sells Churros is "Churro-net." You get the idea.
Add your name to the top of the page is a really big font. I suggest Comic Sans or Wing Dings. If you have a middle name, list the whole thing. This will make you seem more important. For example, if there are several Ben Anderson's, they will refer to you as Ben "Apollo" Anderson. This may lead to them calling you by your middle name - so make sure it's a good one.
Put down a catch phrase next to your name. Some great suggestions are "Kick the tires and light the fires!" or "Stoking greatness from the heart :) ". "Not on my watch!" and "Where dreams come true." are also perfectly suitable.
Achievements. Listing these will make the hiring manager understand that you are valuable to an objective 3rd party. Think of how an pro sports player wins a Most Improved Player award and suddenly everyone wants a piece of him - same principal. List all medals won as a Boy Scout, total benchpress weight (don't lie, they may test you on this), and other dubious awards.

Once you have put together your resume, email the hiriing manager and wait for the phonecall. Don't be afraid to reach out several times if you have not received word back. Many times they may lose your resume and appreciate being reminded that you're still available months after you submitted your resume. Another tip is, snail-mail your resume to the company, but seal the envelope with a wax seal. This turn-of-the-century flair will make HR feel that you really pay attention to detail.

Next - Dressing for success.

Poker lessons

2008-08-15T14:53:00.000-07:00

The other day my nephew was being a ridiculous brat. He continually acts like he's better than everyone else and his good-for-nothing parents give him anything he wants. So I decided to teach him poker, using some candy (Starburst, in case you're interested) as our money.

Because of his own hubris, within minutes I had taken all his candy. My brother proceeded to yell something about my nephew only being 3 years old. I think he failed to see the valuable lesson I taught his son. I would have given the candy back, but I ate it while arguing with my brother.

Lesson - stay in the batter's box if you're not ready to hit.

How to get a job at Abercrombie & Fitch

2008-08-12T17:49:00.001-07:00

Those new to the job market may first venture towards retail as their first form of employment. While I don't pretend to know all qualifications to work in retail, here are some I have picked up.

First, go to your interview shirtless. If you can toe the line between hetero and homosexuality, you'll be better off. Make sure to wink at the interviewer and continually run your fingers through your hair.

Second, refer to yourself as an actor (not as a store greeter). When asked about any productions you've been in, decide to greet a different customer.

Third, know all the information there is about pants. You will not need any information about shirts, as know one will ask you about them.

Fourth, while shirtless, continually remark about how inappropriate it is that someone would bring a crying baby into a store.

Fifth, always pretend that you are at a rave. Garry glowsticks and some "E" around with you wherever you go.

Sixth, refer to male customers as "bra". For example, "S'up bra! The lightweight khakis are in the back of the store."

Seventh, try to be in some pseudo-erotica Calvin Klein-esque type photo shoots.

Eigth, have a six-pack. You'll also have to have the V-thing going on, also. If you don't know what I'm referring to, ask a lady.

Ninth, always be looking slightly away from people, like in their ads. It helps if you are leaning back and have your hand behind your head in a relaxed pose.

Finally, try to always appear in black & white. This will help in case they ask you to model.

Getting married

2008-08-12T17:09:00.000-07:00

There are many reasons why people get married. Some people are trying to stay in the country. Other people have gotten pregnant. Some people have been tricked. All of these are good reasons to get married. However you begin your life together, you will need some advice on how to make your marriage work. Marriage is like a plant you must continue to nourish and love. Like a plant, you may have to nourish it with manure and fish heads to make it grow. Perhaps you will have to buy it lingere and role play as a dock worker and English barmaid.

Here are some tips on how to fertilize your marriage.

Problem: Your new wife doesn't feel special.
Solution: On your wedding day give your wife a broom as a gift. On your anniversary, buy her a vacuum.
Outcome: She feels like a princess.

Problem: Your new wife doesn't feel like you're spending enough time with her.
Solution: Buy a stopwatch and use it everytime you're with her, counting up the time at the end of the week.
Outcome: At the end of the week, she'll see how much time and care you put into spending time with her and she'll love you for being so practical about her problem.

Problem: Your new wife is trying to get pregnant and you don't want to.
Solution: The butt.
Outcome: She'll love you experimenting with her.

Problem: Your new husband is saying he wants to buy a boat while you want to buy a house.
Solution: Let him buy the boat. Then he mysteriously disappears at sea.
Outcome: New house and new husband.

Problem: Your new husband wants you to be more like typical girl - cook, clean, raise kids, etc.
Solution: Challenge him to find any girl that cooks, cleans, or raises kids anymore. Most girls I know don't know how to microwave a Hot Pocket.
Outcome: He has to learn how to cook and clean. Then he becomes YOUR bitch.

Problem: Your husband wants kids and you don't.
Solution: Find a hula-hoop and challenge him to "do it" with the toy. Tell him that's what it will be like after you have a baby.
Outcome: No baby.

Problem: Your wife would like to see a "chick flick" with you (something like Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants or something).
Solution: Go to see the movie, but remark (loudly) the entire time about how hot all the girls in the movie are. Refer to them by name. Continue to talk about how good looking they were in the following weeks. Compare them to your wife.
Outcome: Small upfront investment yields dividends. No more chick flicks.

Ugly Babies and Cute Babies

2008-08-08T12:26:00.000-07:00

I've had about enough of parents not doing their job when it comes to raising their baby. Many times I will be on a plane, train, or trolley car and will notice a baby human. Unfortunately, I happen to notice it for all the wrong reasons. Misshapen nose, missing teeth, infant cystic acne....the list goes on and on.

Before people decide to have babies they should have a nice, long discussion about how they intend to raise their children.

How pretty do you intend to make your baby? It's a simple question.

Is it going to be cute? Pretty? Do you intend to make your baby hot? There's all sorts of possibilities - use your imagination. Don't just mail it in. Your baby's appearence is very important.

If you're at a loss on how to do this, do not fret. Here are some scientific methods on how to make your baby presentable inside and outside of the vagina:

Eat foods that attractive people eat. If you dont' know what these are, pick up a People magainze or US Weekly. These foods tend to be bottled water, Starbucks, and anything at an Absolut-sponsored Hollywood bash.
While still inside the lady, the baby doesn't do anything but get fatter. Try and jump around to move it's lazy ass.
Ultrasounds are pictures of your baby inside the vagina. Get a lot of them done so they get used to being on camera. This will make them more photogenic when they get out.
Start a MySpace page for your baby and get as many friends as you can. People tend to think the more popular you are, the prettier you are.
Model your baby after stylish celebrities. If it's a boy, have your baby go shirtless and photograph him cycling with Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong. If it's a girl, shave her head and give her an umbrella. Also take away her two children.
Baby botox. Get ahead of the wrinkles before they get a-HEAD of you!
Tatoos. Remember, you don't need to be "cookie-cutter" and make your baby look like "mainstream" stars. Be an individual and make your baby look like a gangsta with a heart of gold or perhaps a fun-loving, zest-for-life rocker. Give your baby a teardrop tattoo on his cheek, perhaps.
Hide your babie's diaper. It's not fun to see on Nanna and it's not fun to see on your baby. Perhaps a nice thong.
Photograph your baby with uglier babies. This will make him/her look good and it will make the ugly babies feel good because they're around someone good looking.
If nothing can be done, use a mask.

The list can go on and on! So my advice to you is this - when you see an ugly baby wandering around the street, pick that baby up and yell at the parents. Then hand them some eyeliner and give the baby a perm. I think we'll ALL thank you for it later.

I know the heck out of wisdom!

2008-08-08T11:06:00.000-07:00

So after exhaustive analysis using my public library's card catalog, a 45 year old man (who incidentally looked like Danny Bonaduce and Yoda had a baby) introduced me to the World Wide Web. It is my scientific opinion that this "web" is here to stay, so we better all get used to it. And I don't want to hear from you naysayers and traditionalists - stop being so naive! Trust me, I've done my research on this.

And it's easier than you think to get the World Wide Web. I have a few America On-Line cartridges that someone sent me and they give you several hours for free! Just look around - I bet you have a few too.

Anyways, I know I'm a little behind, and you will be too. Don't be afraid though - I know there's a lot of stuff on the web, but keep at it! At first glance, you should be able to get through everything in a few hours.