What Would I Be?

I can't begin to tell you how often I've been asked the question, "What would you be if you weren't a professional doctor?"

The answer? An Indian Chieftain.

Why? Three Reason - 1) Unlimited access to arrowheads. 2) I'm a Keno prodigy. 3) My cheekbones are the perfect accent to a beautiful flowing headdress.

What would you be?

Child Rearing - Tips & Tricks

So, recently I was talking to my friend about some of the difficulties in raising children. After much contemplation our conversation has been distilled into the following points.

1. You know parents that say, "If you're going to do drugs, do them with me so I know you're safe?" Same applies for gang life. If your child would like to join a gang, start your own and make your child earn his/her way in.
2. Do NOT give your child razor blades to play with. Razor blades are small and can be swallowed, which results in a trip to the emergency room or jail. Both cost major $$, so think about giving your child an old vintage barbershop razor blade or switchblade. Both are usually big and can't be swallowed.
3. Do not gate your pool. Gating your pool simply entices your children to scale the fence. Teaching them to scale a fence lays a foundation for a lifetime of illegal trespassing and burglary. Note: this particular skill may also come in handy if trying to flee prison.
4. Do NOT toss your favorite baby down a well. I know, I know - you're thinking that it's an easy way to fame and fortune in the form of book deals and made-for-tv movies. And you know what? That part is true. So if you simply MUST do this, use your least favorite child. And turn it into a game of hide and seek!
5. Refer to your child by multiple names. If you have to flee your current life and start over, it will be easier for your child to adopt answering to his/her new name.
6. Under absolutely no circumstances should you tatoo your baby's name on your body unless they do it first.
7. If your child gets homesick, try and shove them back inside a vagina.
8. If you're too tired to give your child a bath, place them in a sauna for a few minutes. This simple method of steam-cleaning your child will save you HOURS in bathing time and will give you a thoroughly refreshed child.
9. Let's say, for the sake of argument, that your child is a dumdum. Have another. Then another. And just keep having children until you have one that you think will be a tremendous success. You only need one good apple to make up for a barrel full of mistakes. Everyone knows about Albert Einstein the famous scientist. No one knows or cares about his 5 brothers and sisters who went on to open a series of failed vitamin supplement stores.
10. Surround your child with the withering idiots who litter your neighborhood. If you accomplish this successfully, your child will always look like a delight in comparison to the urchins he/she hangs out with. Suddenly, you'll hear your child referred to as the "smart one" or the "athletic one". These children may not have a future in this world, but they can still do something great. If you your child can look good in comparison. An

Identifying the Douchebag

Douchebags are all around us. But a lot of times you don't know. Sure, a lot of times you can spot them by what they're wearing. But what if the Bag is not wearing its' form-fitting Ed Hardy t-shirt? What if the Bag is not wearing its' jeans with an inordinate amount of flair on the back pockets? What if the Bag isn't revving the engine of its' raised truck? Here are some tips on how to spot and gauge the level of doucheness radiating from a Bag.

Now, understand that this is not a comprehensive list. Also understand that we all have likely flirted with a few of the items below. One item does not a Douchebag make. It's when multiple items are combined that you start to see a fully formed Douchbag.

1. Douchebags are ALL male. Check for a penis. Note: Women can only "act" like a douchebag. It's sort of like when you see one on ESPN as a "sideline reporter". Close, but not the real thing.
2. Check to see if they're furiously texting on a Blackberry or other smartphone while at a club. A rate of 2 texts per minute = Bag.
3. They'll be with a girl waaaayyyyy too hot for them. Use your gut. If the picture of them together sparks a feeling of confusion, that's a key sign.
4. Accessories - indoor sunglasses, necklaces, multiple rings, bandanas, etc.
5. No body hair. Calves and forearms with the texture of a department store mannequin are a HUGE tipoff.
6. Active tweeting.
7. Using his Live Strong bracelet hand to smoke his cigarette.
8. Tan and/or shiny.
9. Way, WAY too excited about Vegas. It says something if you can't get it done within a 20 mile radius of your home.
10. Throwing "gang signs" when you clearly are not in a gang.

Again, these aren't the only signs of douchebaggery. As long as you pay attention, you're likely to come up with your own cheatsheat for identifying the Bag.

Foreign Customs: England

Having trouble when travelling abroad? Here are some customs that will allow you to seamlessly blend into any strange and hostile foreign country. This week's country? England!

When meeting an unfamiliar Englishman, make sure to offer your condolences on the tragic death of Princess Di. This will make them feel as if you are part of their family and understand the importance of nobility.

Never get into an Oasis vs. Beatles discussion. There are simply no winners with this. Only losers.

During the entire month of May, offer up the phrase - "What's the Story Morning Glory?"

Never speak of Amy Winehouse's drug problems. This is a touchy subject. It would be like taling about "Jon and Kate Plus 8" at an Octomom family reunion.

On July 4th, make sure to send a Mother's Day card to the Queen of England.

Use the following compliment liberally - "He posesses the charisma of Sean Connery's 007, but the style of Pierce Brosnan's."

Remember - England's "Fergie" is much, much different than America's "Fergie". It will be awkward to ask Britain's royal redhead to sing "My Humps".

This should cover all encounters you have in England. But should you come across a situation I haven't covered, make sure you remember these four words.

Bend it like Beckham.

Let's Bring Back the Draft! Where can my baby sign up?

We're facing a national crisis - our military forces are quickly depleting.   In addition, we're constantly needing to adapt to new environments and technology.  But fear not, I have a solution.

Let's bring back the draft!  "What!?!", you say!  Yes, let's bring back the draft - but not with geriatric 18-year olds.  I say we start the draft at age 4.  We shouldn't have anyone older than 8 in the draft.  Some might say that this is too young - but I beg to differ.  The children are our future.  And in the future you're older than the present.  Thus, our childer are older than we are.

Besides, having these patriotic young tots run the military provides amazing opportunities.  For example, our enemies are already using children in their fight against us.  You see pictures of it all the time.  6 year olds carrying AK-47s.  It's well known that America's education system is well behind the rest of the world.  If their supersmart children are doing it, it makes sense that we do it too.

And when are you most likely to be able to really take a hit and not have it faze you?  When you're a child!  Kids fall down all the time and bounce right back up.  This is a tremendous advantage in battle, as they'll probably be falling into trenches a lot.  Also, kids don't mind being messy or wet - also great advantages in the desert or jungle warfare.

Military technology is advancing like gangbusters.  It's all basically one big videogame now.  And who's best at video games?  Yup that's right.  I mean really, who would you rather be in charge of new technology - you're stuck-in-the-50s grandfather who can't play Pac-man without a roll of quarters or a someone who can play Halo 3 for 12 hours straight while texting with his other hand?

Kids are fast.  Really fast.  Way faster than any adult - that's why we have so many runaways.  They simply can't be caught.

And having kids in the military also reduces the issue of discrimination.  Left alone, most kids don't at all care about gender, race, or sexual orientation.  They'd all rather just blow stuff up.  Really, babies in uniform would be the ideal situation, but they can't lift a gun!  Ahh...Mother Nature, how you thwart us...  Imagine the peace that would follow if all babies could wield a Derringer.  Sigh...we can imagine can't we?  Regardless, this should actually level the playing field and promote equality amongst all.

So, do you want a safe nation for our children or not?  If y0u love patriotism and babies, get out there, buy some khaki diapers, and replace that rattle with a howitzer!

Pixar's Up!

Up is a wonderful movie and fun for the whole family.  At it's core, is 78 year old widower and balloon vendor, Carl Fredricksen.  After his wife's death, Carl is mired into a world changing around him.  In an attempt to take control of his life again, Carl attaches thousands of balloons to his house and decides to fulfill a lost dream of travelling to Paradise Falls, in South America.  Along the way he takes with him an unsuspecting young adventurer who echos back to the youth that Carl once was.  The story is a majestic tale of innocence and a lesson about understanding that achieving dreams is not nearly as important as chasing them.

So go see Up!  A wonderful tale about an old man who kidnaps a young boyscout and and takes him to Paradise!

In theaters May 29th.

Swine Gonorrhea - An Epidemic

Swine Flu has gotten most of the attention because it's "sexy" and "media friendly".  However, it's just as important to protect yourself against Swine Gonorrhea.  Like Swine Flu, the ways to protect yourself are straightforward.  Simply follow these basic rules before getting intimate with your oinker.

Get to know your pig.  In this fast-paced, go-go-go world, nobody takes time to get to know one another anymore.  Lay off the one night stands and establish a relationship with your pig.  Not only will you likely gain a deeper relationship, but you'll stop the panic attacks that come with waking up next to some strange barnyard creature.  You'll stop asking the question, "How did this happen?  I don't even know this pig!  I don't know where it's been!"

Try covering your mouth when you sneeze.  It's good manners and no one really wants to see your snot ricotching out of your piehole.

When bedding your mate, make sure to use a condom.  This is common knowledge - you don't want to trade the rest of your life for one beautiful drunken night.  If no condom is available, just use your mouth. 

Wash your hands with hot water for at least 30 seconds.  Didn't your mother ever teach you anything?

Try not to stay to long in crowded areas (planes, trains, raves).

Abstinence - try your hardest to keep your hands off that sweet, sweet pork.  If this can't be accomplished, then remember - no genital to genital if you have any open wounds.

And don't forget - Airborne! Hot stone massage! Hypnotism!

Cheers to good health!